I am not a man who lives in reality , to be true I despair it , cant stand it & if I had the powers would totally like to remain in a imaginary world because there I see myself as a worthy human being .To be true to the core of my heart , I am little weak & more so over resigned to the fact that I dont have in it me to be something in the world which is infact is another way of saying that I have every bit of chance that I will die below middle class . This is so far away from the thoughts I had about myself just 5 years ago when I used to think of myself one as destined to achieve zenith but that is what they say the exuberance of the youth which to be realistic I didn't enjoy much .I had wrong notions and the priorities I set for myself were foolish , unrealistic and at the end left me with burns .I was always an under achiever and as the life is panning out I can say with much certainity that I will under perform . Well thats the way it is , sometimes you don't have it in you , it's no point fighting it , loosing your sleep over it , it's better that one just takes it in its stride and find ways to be ok with it . I generally know what my range in life would be , the things I could afford and the things I couln't . Currently my aspirations are too limited and somehow I manage to tame myself , but after all I am human , for some day it stings but what the hell , deal with it . You are not the god's chosen child and there are too few people in the world , who get want they want & more importantly what they deserve .I think I am consuming too much memory and to be real I dont deserve even that so , Great people write therir won biographies , becuase they genuinely think there would be someone really interested it in , but as more mere a mortal soul , nobody would be interested . I for one have a knack of either distancing my friends or distancing myself , which ever reasons I deem comfortable in explaining to myself which ultimately may not make me distressed . If I look back at my life , I see myself in a pathetic situation . Frankly I should be worse off but somehow I am not . . I dont have any spine and the renumeration I get , I nowhere deserve .I am 5'6" , oddly shaped . The only thing going for me is the new capabilities I am trying to develop in myself . I try to make myself more calm , patient . Trying to kill the desires part , I rarely find the think that attracts me and on which I say , oh my gosh I got to have it . for the most time I believe one should spend as less as possible not because one has to be stingy but because it is for better good of the humanity . Using resources because one needs to have it , is a wrong line of thinking , the americans should amend themselves .
Today I found myself in a very odd situation . I was playing badminton against someone whom I frankly think is no match for me , but somehow he was able to rile me up . I took some time to take control of myself , but the way I responded I liked about myself . To be aggressive is the thing I have almost forgotten , but somehow I had a feeling cmon man they should behave humbly even if they won . But no , there obscene gestures bordering to sledging ,I hated it . But somehow I calmly behaved . At the end I found that people too get agitated . One should have seen his face , almost lost .Although I dont people all sad or anything .
One part of my brain says one has to be ruthless , cunning , conniving but seriously I dont think one should be that way .I Know myslef . I have always been jealous but thats just human nature . But these days I am more angry at myself for the pathetic mess I find myself in .It must be 80% my faults that I am such deep hole , and I dont see any way forward . But as I told I have more or so accepted it . The sheer thought that I am failure makes me even more weak .
Today I found myself in a very odd situation . I was playing badminton against someone whom I frankly think is no match for me , but somehow he was able to rile me up . I took some time to take control of myself , but the way I responded I liked about myself . To be aggressive is the thing I have almost forgotten , but somehow I had a feeling cmon man they should behave humbly even if they won . But no , there obscene gestures bordering to sledging ,I hated it . But somehow I calmly behaved . At the end I found that people too get agitated . One should have seen his face , almost lost .Although I dont people all sad or anything .
One part of my brain says one has to be ruthless , cunning , conniving but seriously I dont think one should be that way .I Know myslef . I have always been jealous but thats just human nature . But these days I am more angry at myself for the pathetic mess I find myself in .It must be 80% my faults that I am such deep hole , and I dont see any way forward . But as I told I have more or so accepted it . The sheer thought that I am failure makes me even more weak .
